i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
