Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
