Just cropdusted the office
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
