I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
