Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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