I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
