I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
