Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
