How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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