I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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