Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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