I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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