And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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