I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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