im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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