i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
