I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
