I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My liver just had a heart attack.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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