I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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