Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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