I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
