Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
