There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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