listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
