Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
