yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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