well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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