Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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