Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
