so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
