I need help removing her.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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