he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
