One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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