I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
