I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
