sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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