mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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