Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
