so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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