Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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