Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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