apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This baby is an asshole
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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