I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
