Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
