I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
