The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
