No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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