dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
