Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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