There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
