instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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