census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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