good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
cat food counts as protein by the way
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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