I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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