Jerry, you need to find god
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
