just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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