After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He passed out mid-signature
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
