I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I stole a fireplace last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
