oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
